Over these past few weeks, I had the opportunity to set up an office in a part of my home recently vacated by my oldest son and his wife. It’s a time I’ve anticipated for many years, but an endeavor that always fell into the shadow of other necessary parenting priorities of whatever season. Now though…no more setting up shop on the dining room table next to the Lazy Susan or sitting in a reclining sectional trying to juggle too many things in my lap.
I now have a dedicated space where my research, notes and papers can all rest peacefully from day to day, no longer migrating from this space to that basket or back into the well-worn red and black bookbag I carry with me everywhere. In fact, I’m sitting in my office right now with some soft 80s music playing and a small black fan dutifully stirring the air around me.
But as I consider all the disheveled stacks within arm’s reach…books I have to read, books I need to read, notebooks and even a humorous “Wanted” poster with me on it I still haven’t hung up, I can’t help but feel the disorganization and well-intentioned array of random stuff I see in front of me looks a lot like my life feels right now and unlike seasons past, it’s really affecting me as I sit here in the middle of it. Admittedly, I’m kinda lost…the husband/father/pastor/chaplain/student who is always supposed to have the answer, befuddled by what’s happening in the worlds I’m supposed to lead.
It’s not dissatisfaction or dread that plagues me though…it’s just when I actually sit and consider what’s on the “desk” of my life literally and spiritually, I’ve never seen it all in one place and definitely have never been able to just sit in consideration of what all there is to inventory. It’s all been strewn in so many mental and emotional boxes in the back of my mind and the shadowy spaces of my heart, seeing it in its totality is almost debilitating. This is supposed to be the season of clarity where the imminence of becoming an empty nester, being well-established in a ministry career I dearly love and pursuing the next life accomplishment (a PhD) is supposed to clear off the table or at least maneuver things into more manageable silos. And yet…
Please don’t take my words as hopeless or concerning…just expressing the ebb and flow of my heart in the written words I’m not good at expressing in any other way. God and I have a lot of work to do…
Landon <><
